Never Give Her Reasons To Doubt

December 12, 2016

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  Please call me “praning wife.” I am married for 13 years and with three kids. My husband and I are working abroad for the past 10 years. My problem is this and I need advice. My husband is a great man (or so I think). He is responsible, a good father, a good friend, a good son to his parents, a good brother to his siblings. Last 2014, he admitted an affair to me. I had no idea that he had one. And he told me that he was sorry and he won’t do it again. I wanted to know who the girl was but he won’t tell me saying it already ended and we should leave the past and move forward. All he told me was she was a classmate in high school and the affair lasted for a year. Last year (2015), I noticed that he began chatting with another female high school classmate, who is a pediatrician. I don’t mind at first because he tells me naman about it and sometimes I read their conversation. Most of the topic is about our youngest child who was still a baby that time.

  My husband often asks what formula or food to give, the vaccines needed. They often chat on a daily basis. And sometimes I feel that I have no hold on deciding for my baby kasi my husband often says, “sabi ni Dok kasi ganito, sabi ni Dok ganyan…” I got to meet the “Dok” last December 2015 when we had our vacation. That was their first time to meet after several years (the last time daw they saw each other was after high school graduation), and I saw my husband was so excited about it. They saw again around three more times during that holidays, twice with my husband’s brother and one time when my husband went to the Dok’s house. Sinabi niya lahat ‘yun sa akin kung saan siya pupunta at ime-meet niya ‘yung girl. So I don’t have anything against it. Last March 2016 when we went home again for vacation, umuwi asawa ko together with our baby four days ahead of me (may duty pa kasei ako noon na nakaschedule). And I thought he will go home straight to the province to see our other kids, but instead he stayed in Manila and waited for me to come home (para daw sabay na kami umuwi ng province, para minsanan lang ang gastos ng susundo).

  During that four days, my husband and Dok met again (again sinabi sa akin) and sila pa ang nagsundo sa akin sa airport nung dumating ako. And she even gave vaccines to my children (at a very low cost). For me the girl seems nice and para sa akin, friends lang talaga sila. And I think of her as my friend also. Until that same month, an unknown number texted me saying that my husband is having an affair. I asked my husband and he denied it. I even asked if it is Dok and he said ‘wag idamay ang wala namang kasalanan. Since I can’t get a concrete answer, I started spying on him and even bought this Android app where all his text messages and conversations will be forwarded to my email. At first wala naman ako napapansin na dapat pagdudahan at ang madalas na ka-text lang niya ay ‘yung Dok and there was nothing “flirty” or alarming sa messages. Then one message struck me it was from the Dok saying “ay naku, you can tell her, I am giving you up.”

  I messaged Dok to explain to me her message to my husband and she called me up and explain and apologized saying she used the wrong phrase “giving you up”. What she meant daw was she gave up their friendship since pinagseselosan ko na siya. And she promised that she won’t message my husband again and she will stay away from us if she will cause problems sa married life namin. And sinabi pa niya na if I want daw to confirm her sincerity sa mga sinabi niya, she can meet me in person with her husband para masabi niya ng harapan na wala silang affair ng asawa ko. And I believed her. However nagalit ang asawa ko dun sa ginawa ko. Saying hindi ko siya pinagtitiwalaan nu’ng sinabi niya na wala siyang affair at ‘di ko pinaniwalaan na hindi involved si Dok. And nakakahiya daw ang ginawa ko. At lalo siyang nagalit dun sa ginawa ko to spy on his messages kasi sinasabi naman daw niya lahat.

  After that, their communication stopped. Pero things are different na. Ngayon ‘di na nagkukwento ang asawa ko, even about his friends. Hindi na din niya ako ina-allow hawakan phone niya. He changed his passwords sa Facebook and email. Sabi niya kasi nu’ng open siya sa akin about anything pinagdudahan ko pa. Ramdam ko na even I said sorry masama loob niya sa akin. He even said na he lost his friend daw dahil sa walang kwenta ko na selos. One more thing is, even if Dok kept her promise she will stay away and she really did that, nandun pa din ‘yung selos ko sa kanya nang ‘di ko alam. I often stalk her on Facebook and sometimes see her Viber and Whatsapp accounts if she’s online. I am always praning na baka pagnaka online siya at online asawa ko eh magkachat sila. ‘Pagsinasabi ko sa asawa ko pinag-aawayan lang namin and it is already straining our relationship. What will I do? For me, I think what I am doing is right. O mali ba talaga ako? Please help.

  Praning Wife

  Dear Praning Wife,

  You have reasons naman to doubt. He admitted that he was having an affair in the past, kaya ka naparanoid.

  I don’t really know about the pedia friend. Maybe his being too honest with you is para ‘di ka na magduda pa?

  I also have some doubts sa message na “you can tell her, I am giving you up.”

  Sana nakita mo ano ‘yung context or thread ng usapan. Kasi baka naman they were only discussing or debating over something to which the doctor seems to be giving up na on the conversation or the topic.

  Pero dapat sinabi niya, “I am giving up on you on this usapan…” but she said, “giving you up.” One more thing she told you this, right? ” What she meant daw was she gave up their friendship since pinagseselosan ko na siya.”

  It seems wala akong na-mention sa letter mo na pinagseselosan mo siya. Hindi mo rin naman sinabi na pinag-aawayan niyo siya. In fact the only time you started spying was when you read that certain “I’m giving you up” message, right?

  So pano niya nasabi na pinagseselosan mo siya? Assuming naman siya?

  Now, this “friend” is straining your relationship? So this friend seems to be more important than you being the wife? If I am a wife to someone and I demand to drop a certain “friend” because this friend seems to be not just a friend, I would expect my husband to drop it and let go of this friend and be on my favor!

  Ako ang asawa eh, ‘di ba? Correct me if I am wrong. But he shouldn’t complain you’re being praning, he made you that way.

  I don’t know, I don’t understand the fact na ikaw pa ang mali.

  Wala kang lugaran eh. Hayaan mo, mag loloko. Gwardyahan mo mag-iinarte ng ganyan. Let it go! Kung magloloko talaga ‘yan kahit lagyan mo ‘yan ng bug, gps or whatever,  hahanap ‘yan ng paraan.

  Focus on your kids and focus on you being the wife. As long as you are the wife and you carry his name, YOU GET EVERYTHING. And make sure you have everything.

  Pipirmi din ‘yan sa’yo ‘pagmatanda na at mag papa-alaga na.

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