To Love In Silence

March 14, 2017

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  Hi DJ Chloe,

  Please, please, don’t mention my name.

  I never expected to write a message on your page. I’m 25 years old and still single. Meron akong officemate, na ka teammate ko din and at the same time, naging housemate ko rin. Naging mas close kami when my officemate decided to share a room with me. We even consider each other as best friend. And the fact that we become more closer to each other, the more nagiging attached ako sa kanya, and I think I’m already falling. No! I think I already did.

  The problem is she’s a girl, and I’m a girl too. This is something new to me. I never expected na ma-fa-fall ako ng ganito ka-hard sa isang tao, at sa isang babae pa. Nagkaroon na ‘ko ng past relationship with a guy, but never kong na-feel ‘yung ganito ka-intense na feelings toward another. I admit nagka-ka-crush din naman ako sa girl. But I think it’s normal. Pero ngayon ‘yung feelings ko sa kanya ay iba. I never felt this kind of feeling to the other guys. I think I’m having an identity crisis. And hindi ko matanggap na ganito ako. I can’t say na lesbian ako, but I think I’m bi-sexual. No one knows na bi-sexual ako. Not even my other best friend and even my family. Natatakot ako sa mga sasabihin nila kapag nalaman nila na ganito ako. Natatakot din akong malaman niya ‘yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Ayokong ikahiya niya ‘ko at ayokong lumayo siya sa’kin, kaya hindi ko talaga maamin.

  We’ve been close friends for almost three years and feeling ko ganoon katagal ko din siyang patagong minamahal. Sa tatlong taon na ‘yon, parehas kaming walang naging boyfriend, so, kami ‘yung laging magkasama. We travel together, watch movies together, eat outside and going to amusement park na kaming dalawa lang. I try to date other guys para mabaling sa iba ‘yung feelings ko, pero siya pa din ‘yung hinahanap ko.

  Hindi ko man masabi sa kanya ‘yung feelings ko pero pinapadama ko naman sa kanya. If she needs companion, I always make myself available to accompany her. And ganoon din naman siya sa’kin. Minsan iniisip ko na she felt the same way din, pero natatakot lang din siyang umamin. Pero feeling ko lang siguro talaga ‘yon kasi she’s just being nice and sweet to me kasi we’re friends.

  Nahihirapan na talaga ako, isipin ko palang na aaminin ko sa kanya ‘yung nararamdaman ko, parang hindi ko na kaya. Pero ‘yung isipin na mapupunta siya sa iba, parang ikamamatay ko na. (Drama! :P)
  Gusto ko lang i-share ‘yung kuwento ko kasi sasabog na ‘tong nararamdaman ko. Wala kasi talaga akong masabihan. And hihingi din sana ako ng advise.

  I want her to know ‘yung totoong nararamdaman ko, pero natatakot akong ma-judge and ma-reject.

  Miss 25

  Dear Miss 25,

  Someone I know happens to be also like you. And when she told me about it, I also wasn’t able to give her a piece of advice.

  I do not know how this thing works, being attracted to the same sex. So I cannot really give you an advice on what to do with what you feel and with what you’re going through. I can only offer understanding.

  If there’s something I can tell you though, is that if you love her, with the kind of love you only know of, then I guess it’s okay to love her as long and as much as you want to. If you fear that you will be rejected then don’t tell her about it. Love her in silence then.

  Dalawa lang naman ‘yan kasi, you get reciprocated or you get avoided. Choose what’s best for you and what you can handle.

  

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