Sometimes It’s All In The Mind

August 14, 2017

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  Dear DJ Chloe,

  I am one of your listeners for quite some time, and yes, your straightforward advices are something I look forward to. I am sharing my story not to seek advice, but for the hope that some people can pick up a lesson or two from my experience. And hoping that those in a similar situation as I am will have the courage to make everything right. Just hide my identity, call me Gel. I am married for 14 years and I have three children. I can say that my life is blessed. Me and my husband have a good-paying job, and we have a business on the side. My husband is an ideal one based on my standard—a good provider, a good father. Masasabi ko na sobrang swerte ko sa buhay na ito. Ever since, my life is on track. All my major plans and ambitions have been fulfilled, of course, with efforts from me.

  As my younger sister always told me, “Ate, parang lahat ng ambisyon mo at pangarap, inilatag sa’yo ng walang kahirap-hirap”. I was always the morally upright in the family, sumusunod lagi sa rules, gusto lagi nasa tama ang ginagawa, ayoko ng nakakasakit or nakakalamang ako sa kapwa. Kahit sa labas ng bahay ganun ako. I never once violated a traffic rule, I always throw even a small trash sa basurahan. I do not judge those who do bad things, but I do not condone it, especially cheating. Until I got into the same situation, which I never thought I am capable of doing. I had an affair last 2015 with a high school classmate, Josh. We did not have a relationship before, pero nanligaw siya. Mahal ko din siya dati, siya ‘yung first love ko. But I have to prioritize my studies over relationships because during that time my notion is that “hindi ako makakatapos ng pag-aaral kung magbo-boyfriend ako, and I do not want to disappoint my family.”

  So hindi naging kami, hindi ko din sinabi sa kanya how I felt, after graduation, we lost contact until the last quarter of 2015. Josh is also married, with three kids as well and he is based abroad with his family for the past 10 years and umuuwi lang once in a while for a vacation. Just like me, his marriage is also “almost perfect”, wala din siyang reklamo sa asawa niya. He “found” me on Facebook, we chatted for a while and we decided to meet when he went home for a vacation. And after a while we ended up having an affair. And the reason we both have is that we still love each other despite the years that we haven’t seen each other. For two years our relationship depended on chats, messages and calls, and everyday ‘yun, walang palya, even nasa work siya or nasa work ako. Every free time we have is dedicated solely for each other. ‘Yung every two years na umuuwi siya to visit his parents, naging twice a year, just to see me. And during that two years, we were so happy. We have some small misunderstanding like any other couple pero we always patch things up.

  And I felt his genuine love for me. Even during the early part of our relationship, he has been planning for “us”. Like he asked me to leave my family and he will also leave his for us to be together or we should buy a house for us para magamit namin sa future na magkasama na kami, and all plans na I know naman is feasible. Despite his plans, I am always the one who holds back, and I am honest sa kanya na hindi ko kayang iwan ang mga anak ko, at ayoko masaktan ang mga anak nya. And I always tell him na he should stay with his family. At ‘yung sa amin, we should live and enjoy the present moment, no plans, no expectations, kung ano lang ‘yung meron at maiibigay. And he agrees. And yes, we were happy with that. Late last year, nagiging persistent siya about leaving his family abroad and staying here for good.

  Tatapusin na lang daw niya ang contract niya this 2017. Hindi naman niya ako pine-pressure to leave mine, and he says na I should take my time about that decision, and even if I decided NOT to leave my family, accepted naman niya. He just wants to be near me. And last Christmas, he gave me a small farm lot in Batangas as a gift for he knows it is one of my dreams to have a farm. Dun ako nag freak out, DJ Chloe. I did not accept his gift. I told him to give it to his wife instead. I got scared of all the possible consequences of what we did. I love him, there is no question about it, and honestly, yes, I want to be with him as well. But I love my children more.

  And I cannot bear the possibility of hurting his children as well. And hurting my parents, my siblings and his. I can bear hurting my husband if he learned I cheated, but I really can’t bear ruining the children. I decided to end the relationship kahit ayaw niya, before it is too late for everyone. He still persistently calls me every day, so I have to change my numbers and blocked him sa lahat ng social accounts ko. Sobrang mahirap, DJ Chloe, lalo na mahal na mahal ko siya. Ang sakit to let go of him again for the second time, but I know it is the right decision.

  One of my regrets in life is not telling him how I loved him nu’ng bata pa kami, edi sana kami ang magkasama ngayon ng legal. Pero I know that leaving him now will never be a regret on my part. It’s been eight months since it ended, and six months since the last time we talked. Not a day passes na hindi ko siya naiisip but every time I do, lagi ko nalang iniisip mga anak ko and the wonderful life I have kahit hindi siya kasama ko. Sabi nga nila, “love is just a conditioning of the mind”, though I know within myself that it will be difficult to “unlove” him, I will still try. Talagang hindi kami para sa isa’t-isa, not in this lifetime, maybe in the next we can have our chance. Thanks for taking time to read this letter.

  Gel

  Hi Gel!

  You know what, for as long as we are in this world, we will always be tempted. And there is no one here who have never ever committed any sin. Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”.

  Well, I am glad that you remained rational despite being crazy in love with the other guy. Crazy in the sense that you took the risk of having a relationship with him even if you know you’re not supposed to.

  At the end of the day, you remained sane and in touched with the reality that there are really certain things in this world in our life, that cannot be.

  Forgive yourself for what you’ve done and ask for God’s forgiveness too and totally turn your back from what happened.

  Besides Gel, you have been blessed and you know that. What else can you ask for?

  God bless you, Gel.

  

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