I Figured Out That I Wasn’t Ready For Love

Adi Miguel

August 27, 2018

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  I am not ready for love but I’m getting there.

  I’ve said this a million times, “I’m ready for love.” But I wasn’t as ready as I am now. I always thought that love is about falling stars and heart; slow motion and fairy god-mother. I always thought love is about cuddles and kisses on a rainy day. Or maybe flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s day. I always see love as something that will satisfy my longing for attention. Thought it was about surprises or hidden notes on my desk.

  But it wasn’t.

  It wasn’t all about these things that makes you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. After so many heart breaks, I figured that love is not always sweet. It’s a mix of spice, bitterness, and lonely days too. Love is not just about having someone but being somebody to someone. It’s not all about the things you’re looking for but about the things you are willing to give up for.

  I am not ready for love. But I’m getting there.

  I am not ready for love until I saw it in the eyes of my mom; while she was waiting for my dad to come home or when she doesn’t eat until she sees him at home.

  I saw love in the shoulder of a father, carrying her peacefully asleep daughter after a long day at school.

  I saw love in the hands of a parent paying for tuition fee.

  I saw love in a phone call of friend, comforting another friend on the other line because of whatever misery life has brought.

  I saw love in a smile of a husband, being so proud of his wife’s achievement even if he wants to rant how lonely the day went.

  I saw love in a hug of a girlfriend making a bad day a little bit easier for the love of her life.

  I saw love on the streets through the laughter of a little kid because his lolo was making silly faces again.

  I saw love at the door knocking with ice cream and movies on the other hand because she was PMS-ing.

  I saw love in the library patiently teaching algebra.

  I saw love from the other side of the world, assuring and trusting, believing that their relationship will work out until they see each other again soon.

  I saw love in the office desk, tired because of all the paperwork that needs to get done.

  I saw love in the smoking area with the words “kamusta ka?”

  I saw love beyond all the things I had in my head. It’s more than the things I always thought it is.

  And I figured, maybe, I wasn’t ready for love. But I’m getting there.

  There are so many forms of love in this world that I can’t see just because I wasn’t looking at it—just because I’m looking for other things I thought love was. I wasn’t ready for love because I was only looking at the wonderful things—tangible things. I thought that was love.

  And until I can wait, believe, carry, sacrifice, be patient, be kind, be tired, be sensitive, hopeful, sacrificial, and all the things that these words are synonymous to, maybe, I am not ready for love. Because love is more than just a word. Love is going an extra mile even if you can’t anymore. Love is loving even if you do not have any love to give anymore. Love is being selfless. And until I can’t think of myself anymore, maybe, I’m not ready for love. But slowly…I’ll get there.

   

   

   

   

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