To the one who never saw my worth

Benny Kim

June 30, 2023

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  Choose me.

  Those were the words I constantly mutter to myself whenever you’re around. As if I was a witch doctor, using all my knowledge and trying my hardest for you to be under my spell, but to no avail. 

  A year felt like a lifetime, especially because we practically lived under one roof. It was an instant click; a well-oiled machine, as they say. I imagined the oil would never run out. My first mistake. I went along with the boundaries we set for our relationship with the hope of it being more than what we agreed. 

  But you’re one hell of a man of his word. And a prick, too. 

  I probably wouldn’t second guess our relationship if you weren’t that dedicated to brave the typhoons and the uncertainty of getting to my house safely just because I asked you to.

  I probably wouldn’t question your intentions if you weren’t enthusiastic about getting to know my snobbish older sister, to the point where I can leave you two alone and you’ll be just fine. You mesh so well that you like and dislike the same things. 

  I probably wouldn’t oversell our relationship if I didn’t know too much about your family. 

  I probably wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up if you didn’t say that you dislike the thought of me being with other men. 

  I probably wouldn’t bother at all if I didn’t like you from the get go. But you knew that, so that makes us even. 

   

  Why not me? 

  —  was the question that filled my head for months after you made it official with somebody else, all while making me believe that you were emotionally unavailable. It was months of dreadful draining depressive thoughts. 

   

  Was I not worthy? 

  I hated you for not seeing my worth. 

   

  All along, I was.

  But I indulged myself in the idea that I wasn’t because you didn’t choose me. How can you when I don’t even choose myself? 

  I made you the center of my life. My second mistake. It should have been me, and myself alone. I gave you my all, and I have nothing for myself. How do I give myself something that I don’t have? My third mistake. I had to re-learn how to respect myself. It was hard yet rewarding. It was the perfect opportunity to reconnect with my old self. With my authentic self. With the little kid inside me. With the being who wanted nothing but warmth. 

  I will never thank that person for this epiphany. 

  It was not him, but I, who didn’t see my worth. I want to thank myself for finally seeing it.

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