The Sex That Ended My Illusion

Aji Lopez

December 18, 2015

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  It started with a simple crush.  He was the first guy I saw in a sea of strangers when I entered the university.

  Coming from an all-girls’ school, I was never the type of person who would fall in love easily with a guy.  I was used to admiring girls, heck I was in a relationship for three years with a girl.  But when I saw him, I immediately felt butterflies doing summersaults in my stomach.

  I was contented on just throwing glances at him whenever we cross paths in our building.  Then I found out that we have a lot of things in common, including friends.  We started hanging out. He was nice.  I knew then that he had a girlfriend.  Well, he was seeing my friend.  Did it break my heart? No. I told myself that a crush is just a crush.

  But even though my brain knew that, I forgot to inform my heart of that tiny detail.  I soon was falling, deeply, madly and obsessively in love with him.  He became my inspiration in everything that I do, I adjust my schedules to accommodate his.  The thing about him was that, he knew of my feelings and yet he never pushed me away nor took advantage of it.  Everything that I did for him, be it spending hours waiting for him at the library, or helping him pick up gifts for his girlfriend, it was all me.  I did all those things voluntarily.

  However things went south when he broke up with his girlfriend.  He wanted to be alone, and yet I told him that I will be there for him.  I threw away my friendship with his ex, because I thought that being with him, choosing him over my friend, there was a microscopic chance that he would love me back.

  One night he got drunk.  He started kissing me, and literally shoved his tongue inside my mouth.  I was perplexed to whether or not to give in to him or push him away.  But I knew then that I would give everything to him, that regardless of the fact that he was drunk and he may not remember anything in the morning, it wouldn’t matter because I love him.

  But the sex that night proved only one thing, we were not meant to be together.  That this guy, that I thought I was madly in love with, was just a figment of my imagination.  Every thrust he did, every time he went deeper in me, I felt like puking.  Every moan he made only worsen my feeling of guilt. He was latching on every exposed skin on my body, his hands were all over my breasts, and yet none of these made me feel ecstatic.  When he finally had his release, I just rolled over and pulled his spent manhood out of me.

  I realized that even though he was drunk and that I was attracted to him, I shouldn’t just give in to temptation. You can’t equate sex with love.  A few days after that, we finally had “the talk.”  He kept on apologizing for what he did.  He said that we can still be friends, but he couldn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.  I told him that I understand.  I told him that it was my fault for falling in too deep. We said our goodbyes and never saw each other after that.

  We ended up being strangers.  Up to this day, I still consider him as my ultimate crush, who happened to be my biggest mistake too.  I loved him too much, too soon, it was so wrong.  And everything started with just a simple crush.

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