Just Go With Life’s Simplicity

November 10, 2016

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  Hi DJ Chloe,

  Just call me T. I discovered your segment because my officemate listens to your program every day. And I’m always drawn to your advices. Thank you for empowering women and teaching them to love themselves better.

  Lately, I’ve been feeling guilty about something. Back when I was 20 years old (2011), I met this guy from South America when I was on vacation in San Francisco. I was waiting for my bus and this cute guy sat beside me and talked to me. We ended up getting on the same bus, exchange numbers and go in mazing dates in the beautiful city. Let’s call him K. He was handsome, fun, successful and genuine. Needless to say it was one of the most romantic flings I’ve ever had. But more than that, he taught me how to love myself. Before I met him, I was insecure and reluctant to live my life. I was not the most confident girl in the room. K made me feel I was special. After that summer, I started to feel better about myself and gained confidence. I took that with me when I began my career back home and eventually meet people and live my life in a freer spirit. He was my first kiss, the first guy (except for my family of course) to tell me I am beautiful, smart, and kind and actually mean it.

  But what I thought was just a summer fling, lasted for years! We kept on talking. We constantly keep each other updated on” What’s App” and “Skype” for hours. I’d like to think that we developed a strong friendship. We weren’t just casually flirting, we became each other’s confidants. He came to me for comfort when his mother died. I call on him every time I feel defeated. We were a source of strength for each other. But it made me hope. For four years I was clinging on hope that we’d see each other again. It was not easy on both parts. I guess both of us were too scared of actually taking steps to give this “relationship” a try. LDR is not something that we can both manage at the moment. Obviously, it costs a lot. And the commitment to make it work was just too much for us to handle. After all, we were still trying to find our places under the sun.

  Despite that, we kept in touch. We made sure to always be there for each other. We never talked about our relationships outside each other. I dated guys. I knew he was in a relationship twice. In 2014 I met my current boyfriend, C. I am in love with him, I am sure. But DJ Chloe, I cannot help but compare him to K a lot. C is not the sweetest guy. His language of love is more on time and service. But I found out that I still long for the verbal assurances. Some of my friends and family think I’m settling. And I feel guilty because sometimes I feel it too. To be honest (and I feel bad for saying this out loud) sometimes when I imagine my future wedding, I don’t think of C. I think of K.

  K and I are still talking up to now. He knows I have a boyfriend. I know he has a girlfriend. We both agreed that there should be changes in the relationship, but that we should still keep in touch because we were each other’s best friends. However, sometimes I feel like we are going overboard sometimes. There’s obviously a suppressed tension between us. We’re obviously keeping ourselves from our feelings for each other not only because of our respective relationships, but again we’re too scared to make the commitment. Now I am 25, he is turning 33 tomorrow. Career-wise I think he has done what he needs to do. He has finished his graduate studies and taken over his father’s company. I am a mid-level career woman and currently completing my masters. We’ve both gone a long way from the people we were 5 years ago. But commitment is still not possible for me, because I still have a lot to do.

  He told me he’s going to Dubai next year, and he wants to meet me there. I am currently making plans with him. I think we’re just working on a premise that we’ll meet because we’re best friends. But we both know that there’s more to it than that. I did not tell my boyfriend about it. He knows K and I think he knows we’re still talking. He once mentioned that he does not mind because K was my friend even he met me. But I know it will hurt him if he learns about the context of our conversations. I feel like I am cheating on him. Every time I am upset with C for not saying the right things or for not being sympathetic of my insecurities and needs, I always find myself going to K to make me feel better.

  Please help me. I think I know pretty much the solution to my problems is to choose. But thinking about hurting one of them is hurtful to me. C offers me the security. Over the years, he has become my rock. He does not whine with me when I rant about my problems, but pushes me to fight my demons. K is very special to me. You know like a first love that you’re supposed to have moved on by now? and I think I love him more than I should.

  Thank you!

  Dear Miss T,

  So K is your one true love. But you are with C? And K is the perfect guy but you are with C? And K never left the scene even when C is already there. But K has a girlfriend. But you are very sure that there’s something between the two of you, more than friendship. But they’re all unsaid, right? But you have plans? And commitment is not one of them. Litong-lito ako Miss T. Life is so simple. Why are you complicating things. ‘Nak ng, kung ‘di kayo pwede ni K at kasama mo si C then give C your undivided attention! Or be fair with him. Let him go so he can find someone who can appreciate his time and service kind of love! Eh eto naman si K parang wala namang plano kundi maging bestfriend mo for life eh! Free yourself from misery and assumptions. Alamin mo, ano ba talaga si K? Sa buhay mo at ano ka sa kanya? Simple lang ang buhay, gutom ka? Kumain ka. Uhaw ka? Uminom ka. ‘Di mo alam? Magtanong. We can’t keep assuming and wondering every day. Ang gustong mangyari ginagawan ng paraan. Maliban na lang kung ang problema eh ikaw mismo ‘di mo alam anong gusto mo.

  

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