It’s Really Time To Forgive And Forget

September 28, 2016

• 

  Will you share my story today online? Here’s how it started: I know a man since grade school, we happened to be classmates in grade 4. I liked him since then. Two years had passed and we’re in grade 6 that time. That was February 14, 1997 and we were celebrating our annual Valentine’s Day party at our school. Our teacher prepared  cut-outs of red construction paper to cut at the center in different shapes and size. The other half was given to the boys and the other to the girls without us knowing to whom it was given and we were told to find the other’s half of the paper to make it whole again. And whoever finds the other half first will win. All found theirs, when I can’t find mine at that time my teacher noticed it and told me that one of the boys hadn’t find his other half too. So my teacher called for the boy and when he realized it was me he told our teacher that even if I’m the only person left in the planet to be with he’d rather leave than to be my other half. It was my first of those many heartaches I had with him and I cried hard for it. He avoided me since then and whenever he crosses paths with me he will find a detour just to avoid me. Four years had passed and I didn’t notice that I didn’t hear anything from him or about him. I graduated in high school in 2001 and I’m still thinking about him from time to time. Still thinking of any mistakes I did for him to treat me like that. But I can’t remember any. Then I accepted the fact that I am hard to be loved by anyone. 10 years later I returned to my hometown to visit my grandparents there. One day I passed by at my old school then the memories of the past flooded in my mind. Remembering the rejection I had with the only man I’ve loved brought the pain of the wound to surface afresh.

  I sighed because up to now the memories still lingers in my mind. They didn’t go away. I stayed to that place for three years hoping to see him again after a decade of longing. And God is so good that He grant my prayers. He returned to our hometown in 2013. Two days after our batch’s reunion, I was walking in an alley where lights are so dim that you can barely recognize if anyone’s approaching your way. When I was about to pass by a shadow of a man, someone grabbed my arm and asked me where I was heading to and whispered a laugh. The cold made me shiver. I know that voice, it couldn’t be him. I was in a daze when I answered him, “I’ll go to Nazel’s house.” Then I continued walking. He then whispered again of the word “snob”. “Huh? Me? A snob?”, I said.

  After that night missing him is unbearable. One night I was so annoyed with my grandparents that I search for any place just to sleep at peace. I ran away from them. I went as far as his sister’s house at the fishpond. It was late and darkness scared me to knock at their door. So I looked around to see if there are any comfortable space to stay for the night. When I was about to sleep, a flashlight approached me. Then I heard his voice again asking me why I’m there in the middle of the night. I told him that I was just running away from home and asked him to let me stay there for the night. He looked at me for a moment, nodded, and walked away and did his rounds at the pond. After three hours he patted me on my shoulders and told me to go to their house to sleep. I stand up and walked with him to their house not far from his sister’s house. He gave me pillow and blanket then he left. On the morning he told his parents that I’ll stay there until I settle the feud with my family. One night when I was fast asleep, I was awaken by the weight of someone lying beside me. I felt nervous when he whispered, “don’t be afraid it’s just me.” Then he told me to go back to sleep. I felt awkward when there’s only a pillow in between us. I told him to go away but he only laughed and said to his mother, “Nay tatabi muna ako kay Ghem sandali ha.” Then he laughed along with his mother. I noticed that he was drunk. Then he tried to hug me and kissed me. I was so shocked. I’ve been hoping for this one day to happen. And when it did it I lost a grip of myself. But before anything could happen between us I told him I don’t want him to regret afterwards. He told me that wherever our relationship will bring us he’ll stand by me. So I give in that night, I gave myself away to him, hoping he’ll feel the love I felt for him since then. Our relationship continued that way until one day I got pregnant and when I told him, what he said tore my very being, tore my soul. He asked me if it was really his child or am I sure if he is the father? His family said that it was my fault because I gave their son the motive. I aborted and erased what was left of him in my life. Am I that cruel? I realized that he’s just back in my life to make it worse than ever.

  Ghem

  Dear Ghem,

  Wow! Some people are really never able to forgive and forget.

  There are men who would really take advantage of every moment they feel they can be in control. In your case, he was someone you’ve loved from the past, right? And hindi ka naka move on sa kanya.

  He gave you the very first rejection of a lifetime and it left you a wound that never healed. In fact it gave you a scar. He made you feel so ugly and unacceptable sa sinabi niya na kahit ikaw pa matirang babae sa mundo na may hawak ng kalahati ng cut-out na pusong pula, mas gusto niya na lang na umalis or mawala kaysa ikaw ang makasama.

  I do not know why you never recovered from that but I am certain that we all have a scar made by someone in the past that takes a lifetime to forget.

  Ghem,  yes he came back to make your life worst than ever. But you were a willing victim. You allowed him to do things to you. You wanted it too. You believed him, his lies. Men will say and promise anything just to get into your pants. Whether this man is ready to do what he says he will do. Ikaw din should be ready in case hindi niya tuparin ang pangako niya sa’yo.

  Wala na eh, ang utak niyan during those times he was doing things to you eh nasa pagitan na lang ng hita niya.

  Look at this: ” He told me that wherever our relationship will bring us he’ll stand by me. So I give in that night, I gave myself away to him.” As I was reading your letter wala kang namention na may relationship kayo, iba ang definition mo ng “relationship” mo sa definition niya ng relationship niya sa’yo. The only relationship he was referring to was his “sexual relationship” to you.

  It was like rape with consent kung meron mang ganun.

  The last part of your letter seem vague. Pinaabort mo ba baby mo? If so, may God have mercy on your soul.

• COMMENTS