Trust

December 14, 2015

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  Dear DJ Chloe,

  Please enlighten me on my worries today. I am 35 years old with three kids, a 12-year old son, a 9-year old and a 5-month old daughters. I am civilly married for 13 years to my husband, J, and we are currently based here in Dubai where my husband and I work as a medic.

  J is a wonderful husband and a father to our children, we never ever had major disagreement or problem in the entire length of our marriage. I feel secured in my married life. But it changed recently. About a month ago, my husband left his iPad at home, and out of curiosity, I opened his Facebook account. DJ Chloe, that was the first time I checked his personal stuff, I do not check even his wallet nor his cell phone messages. I always believe that even we are married to each other, we should have each other’s privacy. What I discovered that day was something I did not expect. He has been exchanging messages with this girl, V, his high school friend. At first, there were only benign messages, just catching up with an old friend. Later on, my husband has been telling her how much he still love her despite the years they haven’t seen each other. In fairness to V, she did not encourage my husband with his feelings, actually to the point of telling him that J, my husband should focus his affection to me and my kids. One message stuck me though, when my husband told V, that it was her that he wanted to be married to and literally told her “Kahit noon pa, ikaw lang ang babaeng gusto kong iharap sa altar, wala ng iba”, which V, replied “but you married your wife, your words and your actions are contradicting, stop being a nonsense, be a good husband and a father to your kids”. J then replied “Kaya nga wala pa akong inihaharap sa altar”. V did not reply anymore. Despite my husband’s further messages, V won’t reply back, which makes me admire V for not giving in to my husband’s messages. I asked my husband’s best friend about V. I learned that the three of them are friends back in high school, and she is my husband’s first love. They did not become sweethearts back then, but V during that time also loved J. The reason that they did not become sweethearts was, V was focused on her studies and set aside love first. The two of them lost contact after high school and they got reconnected again thru Facebook several years after. DJ Chloe, what should I do? I was hurt knowing that my husband is still in love with his high school sweetheart. Should I confront him about it? I am tempted to message V, but I’d rather not to, for I thought she is not at fault. It would be different if she responded. I feel insecure nowadays, knowing my husband dreams of being married to another girl. Is this the reason why he won’t marry me in church? We are only civilly married. I asked him once but he always put it off. Looking at V’s Facebook account makes me feel small. She is still beautiful. She is a doctor and a quite successful in her field. I’ve been putting off confronting him, for I don’t want to make a big deal about it, but it’s painful on my part. I feel betrayed, by the man whom I’ve been loving all through the years, by the man who has been kind to me and kids for 13 years. It would be easier to accept if only he is not that kind, if only he has previous history of being involved with other girls, but no, he was always the ideal husband for me. Please help, DJ Chloe. Thanks and God Bless.

  Yours,

  QE

   

  Dear QE,

  I can really feel the anguish you’re going through right now. Sana ‘di mo na lang pinakilaman ang iPad ‘di ba? But some “divine providence” wanted you to know about it.

  Ask yourself first, is this something you can just ignore and take like a grain of salt? Because if you can’t, then you have to be ready with just about anything that might happen, should you decide to confront.

  One night stands, flings, are easier to forgive, but this one is not. Your husband has been loving this woman all throughout his life and up until now.

  Your husband doesn’t only want to have an affair to have sex outside marriage as Ms. V is not in Dubai. Your husband wanted something more.

  At the end of the day, ma’am, you will be confronted with these things :

  1. Confront and be ready for results. One of them considering separation.
  2. Keep quiet and die every day from knowing the truth and not doing anything about it.

  I admire Ms. V for, according to you, she did not encourage your husband. I would believe, if she did not, at all, REPLY.

  I would say confront him and let him know what you know. Bring out your issues. Believe me, Ma’am, even after you have threshed out things with him, the feeling will never be the same again. It will take so much time to rebuild the trust and that depends on how sorry he will be and how willing you will be to forgive.

  I cannot fathom the pain you’re going through right now, as for me I would rather be alone and miserable than be with someone who made me believe I am worthy of his name. If having me as a wife makes him miserable, I’d free him off his misery. Sometimes the only way to know your worth is to deprive that person of your presence.

  Sincerely,

  Chloe

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