7 Things I’ve Been Longing To Tell You

Adi Miguel

August 21, 2018

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  When you left, I also had thoughts hanging in my head. I do no have all the time in the world but I’m giving myself a chance. So here it goes…

  1. I think about you. I think about you and all the good things you’ve done to me and for me. I think about you and the good days we had. I really do. I think about all the good in you. I do this, so I’ll stop thinking about the days you’ve hurt me. I do this, so I’ll stop blaming you for the moments I was miserable and desperate. I’m doing this, so I’ll stop hating you. Because I was happy when you were here with me. The amount of happiness you brought covers all the painful ones. I’m moving on with the happy memories we shared and leaving behind the little ones that caused so much anger and sadness in my heart. But that doesn’t mean I don’t learn my lesson. That doesn’t mean I still love you. I just don’t want to live this life hating.

  2. I miss you. I miss you but not every day. Not every time I eat ice cream or drink whatever. Not when I go to places we went or when the songs we shared plays. I miss you but not every time I see our matching outfits. Not every time your posts pop in my feed. Not every time I think of our inside jokes. Not every time I smell your perfume. I miss you and this won’t be for long, I’m sure. I miss you but that doesn’t mean I want you back. I just don’t want to deny the fact that it was good being with you.

  3. I haven’t deleted our photos. But I don’t look at them anymore. I don’t look at them with smiles or tears. I don’t look at them as if I still want to go back to that day. I don’t browse them anymore and see how good we were with each other. I don’t look at them and go back how happy that day went. I haven’t deleted them but I’m forgetting how each image ended up as a photograph. I’m forgetting how fun those days were. I’m forgetting how drunk or sober we were. I’m forgetting them. I want to make new photographs, new memories, and I don’t want them to be with you. I want memories that do not even have a drop of sadness. I don’t want to make memories that will be forgotten too.

  4. I don’t think you’ll be ready. You won’t be ready to hear how sad I was when you just left. I don’t think you want to hear how miserable I got because of you. You won’t be ready, and you never will be. I had so many questions, but I comforted myself with the fact that some questions are not meant to be answered. So, I thought, maybe it’s the same with us. But it’s okay if you won’t answer them. Maybe, by the time that you’re ready I’m already okay and it won’t make sense anymore. Everyday I’m teaching myself to let the questions go. I’m learning to just forgive you even if you’re not sorry because maybe, I’ve hurt you too. And maybe you’ve forgiven me too even if I was not sorry.

  5. How are you? More than what I see everyday through your posts or your friends’ posts, how have you been?

  6. I built walls and I hope this won’t be for too long. I hope I’ll get to break these walls in time. When I was younger, I’ve built these walls. They were so high. Mom told me that I must break them so that I can see how beautiful life and people are. I did. It was hard, but it was worth it. Never knew that I’ll build these walls again. I’m so afraid to love. I’m so afraid to welcome new people in my life. I’m so afraid to get attached again because it might end up just like how it ended with you. I fear that loving a new one will be the same with yours.

  7. I’ll be okay. Not now but eventually.

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