My Unsettled Love Story

Adi Miguel

February 2, 2016

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  Did you remember when you sat beside me one vacant period? You started a conversation about love. I rarely welcome conversation like such because I know that I am not really good at it. But you were like an attorney that day. I wasn’t intimidated. I wasn’t afraid. I can’t help but tell you everything I know and everything I went through. And everything that I want to do.

  A friend of ours came and I stopped. He was the police man if we were in an interrogation. It’s like he said that our time’s up. So we stood and went back to our classrooms. I’m not yet done. At the back of my head, that conversation must continue. I must tell you. I must not leave you hanging so that you would know that I am not afraid to be in love again.

  Maybe my prayers were too strong that heavens made ways for us to talk again. It might not be personally but I had the chance to tell you. You started dropping letters in my locker. You were writing random things but I didn’t mind how corny they were. You were asking me my favorite subject as if we were not seatmates. You were asking my favorite color as if you don’t see how I color code my things. You even told me what’s the meaning of the color red. I don’t really care that time but every little thing you said that moment was like new to me. I’m loving them.

  On your other letters you asked our left conversation. I gladly told you when we had a chance. I didn’t answer your letters because my friends were teasing me. You know, senior high school…peers.

  But you know that I told you. Every little thing. I made efforts. I made ways for you to know my past love–how immature I was, how I want a brand new love. I know you know.

  As young as we were, you confessed your love. Very tough. Very strong. I thought I can’t resist. I thought I would say ‘yes’ right away. But I guess, I was too afraid and told you to give me a chance to think.

  I thought so long that you didn’t ask me again. When I was ready for a brand new love, when I was excited to hold your hands, when I was anticipating to call you “baby”, when I was eager to fight for you, when I was ready to meet your parents just like what you have planned, when I was more than hyped to write you love notes, that’s when you found another one.

  You were even excited to tell me. You were even running towards me. You told me, “Bel, ikaw ang una kong sasabihan nito kasi ikaw ang isa sa mga best friends ko. Kami na ni Nelly.”

  When I was strong enough to tell you that I am feeling the same for you, that’s when you gave up on me. And I didn’t even know you did. I didn’t even know you’re drifting from me. I didn’t know that you were considering me best friend then. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that when love drifts it can turn to friendship again. I didn’t know that it’s okay to fall apart that way. I didn’t know that while I was waiting for my right moment, you were already waiting for the other one. I didn’t know. Maybe I was too young. Maybe I was too naive about love.

  I tried to be happy about you and your girl. I didn’t ask about us anymore. I settled with the fact that maybe there are really unanswered questions in a lifetime. Maybe I just have to let it go and not think about it.

  Life went on. You flew for New York after two years in college. You found new friends, new experiences, new journey. Everything for you was new, while I continued my life in Manila how it’s supposed to be. You broke up with Nelly and I didn’t know how. I had no reaction when I knew about it. After all, I have moved on. Life goes on, right?

  Every year you’re coming home, and every year, we have to spend a couple of days to spend time and bond with you. We got closer again. We catched up. We spent much time talking. But every time you go back to New York, we don’t bid goodbyes. Universe has its ways of making us not meet halfway. Our schedules do not meet every time you go home. It’s always like that.

  But the last time you went home, you were different. We were different. You’ve been talking about how good you do in your work, how much you earn, and everything that makes you who you are now.

  You are more protective, you are smarter, you make good decision, you are better in everything now than before. I feel less dominant. I feel more feminine. You understand me now than before. You are full of wisdom when I rant and you have to talk back. You are a better version of yourself.

  And you are the only one who makes me feel good about being weak, being needy, being dependent.

  But you leave, you always leave, because of your work and a lot of things. Until now our schedules do not meet when you leave. That’s when I realized that you’re my unsettled love story. We’re made up of semi-colons instead of periods. We were made up of hanging questions, but there’s always a hope in my heart that they will be answered.

  Not now. Not too soon. But eventually it will be.

  You will always be the love story I’d wait for after a million and a half songs played.

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