Unsent Letter: If only

Christian Alexander

April 30, 2021

• 

  It’s past midnight, and the silence is too loud. I am going through all of what happened in the past year. I am thinking of you, of us. How are you? I can’t help but think of what might have happened if only I am with you right now. I am here, in the dark. And you are here, in my heart.

  To you my love,

  I took a grasp of what my life has been for the past few years. What was it like before we met? To be completely honest, it was nothing. I used to live alone, just thinking of no one- but myself. But then, you came. You showed me a glimpse of what it’s like to have someone by your side. You walked into my life, and everything made sense.

  I remember one of my favorite trips with you. It was in Palawan, the last trip that we had together. It was a memorable one because we had our world. We had a share of our dreams, and we made plans. I already saw it happening one by one. I looked forward to seeing these plans unfolding right in front of my eyes, our eyes. We have planned everything. You’ll quit your job, and I will do my best to be a better person. We’ll establish our own business, and we’ll start from there. I was already visualizing the better version of ourselves. I know we can make it work. You and I, we will make it work.

  But our dreams ended before they even started. It was the day after our Palawan trip when I saw our dreams shattering right in front of my eyes. Just when we were about to light up our future, darkness came and took our plans away. It was the day that I feared the most. I was held behind bars.

  Looking back, I had a lot of regrets about what I might have done when I had the chance. I should have not focused on my phone when you were only asking for my attention. Then, I had the time to make it up to you, but I chose to let that day pass, not doing anything. I should have hugged you tighter and held your hand longer. It would have been a happy moment to remember, but it turned out to be one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. I am sorry for being cold.

  I should have made you feel how important you are to me. There were doubts because everything went too fast. I questioned myself because of the fear that I might not be ready to fully commit, yet. There were inhibitions because I got confused if what I was feeling was real. I had this fear that I might end up hurting you unintentionally. True enough, I ended up hurting you more when I should be making you feel that you are genuinely loved. I am sorry for being scared.

  Then, I came to my senses and realized that there are some things I should have done for my life and our relationship, but I never did. I should have not dragged you into the mess of my past. I should have left all of those behind and started a new life with you. Above all, I should have not done that one terrible thing that led me to be behind these bars. I am sorry for messing it up.

  But this time, I am sure. I am beyond doubt of how I feel. And I am not going to waste any chance to let you know how I truly feel. I will not let another day pass by without making you feel that you are loved. Gone are the nights when you would cry yourself to sleep because of pain because this time around, I am making sure that all your tears will come out of happiness. It’s sad to think that we had to go through all these pains before I finally realize what matters. Maybe it’s true that sometimes, people must learn their lessons the hard way.

  When I get my freedom back, and everything is already back in its place, we will make our plans happen. We might not know when, but I won’t lose hope. I will hold on and continue to fight because of one reason: you.

  It has always been you. I will be strong because that’s how you’ve always been. I might have lost a lot, but I can endure losing everything repeatedly, except you. Even if I have to see all my dreams shatter in front of my eyes time and again, I know I will be able to withstand it because I have you. When all else failed, you did not. You have always been there, cheering me up from afar. You have been my strength, my rock. And I can’t thank you enough for sacrificing a lot for me.

  I love you. Always have, always will. I can’t wait to see you and make all of our dreams come true.

• COMMENTS